Thursday, November 21, 2013

Let Me Introduce My Self....

Hello~

I'd like to take a moment to introduce myself.   This may take a while so please stay with me.

I have never had an easy life.  A good life yes.  But never an easy life.  I've never lived in one place for more then 3 years.  Yep in 33 years, I've lived in 28 places.  Most of them I can't remember.   I've lived in 2 countries outside of the US.  One a third world country, the other not.  In one I experienced coup attempts, racism, violence and the eruption of a volcano.  The other college, drinking, roots I didn't know I had to a place I had never been before and a sense of loss at leaving I didn't know I could feel.  Even within in a single state I can't seem to stay in the same county for more then a year or two... now it just feels ingrained... It's been 3 years, 2 years.. a year.. time to move!

I started life with 2 older brothers and as I move closer to my 34th birthday I am finding that I have an older brother who is getting married and has an amazing little boy.  And that I now have an older sister who was unexpected and while at first caused strife and fear, during his change to her has opened up a whole new world for my family in a way that I never thought possible.   I have a father that believes gender is no excuse for anything and that there is nothing my older siblings could do that I as a female couldn't do.  In fact nothing I couldn't do better if I didn't put my mind to it.  He truly believes in the power of the mind and it's ability to over come all obstacles.  I have a mother who was furious at my father for giving me a barbie when I was 8 because she didn't want my self esteemed to be altered because there wasn't a chance this side of anything that I was ever going to look like a barbie, blond hair and blue eyes aside.  I topped off at 5 ft 1, and began developing before I was 11, so she wasn't wrong. 

While my father reminded me that there wasn't anything I couldn't do and told me blond jokes to deal with all of the jerks in middle school, my brother whispered in my ear how worthless I was.  How someone as fat and ugly as me would never be loved.  While my mother reminded me that I was a renaissance woman and encouraged me to volunteer and work with kids my other brother watched as the kid next door raped me.  While I won awards for writing for the school newspaper, organizing a school wide recycling program and lead after school clubs, my older siblings were doing all sorts of illegal drugs, getting restraining orders from the school and arrested for growing in their closests. While I attempted to put a smile on my face I hid not only the fear but the bruises.  While I tried to understand the world around me I got between my brother and my mother as he gave her a black eye and attempted to throw her down a set of steps.  While Dad was at work it was me who was at home calling the cops to come pick my brother up after he left a butcher knife in my door because he couldn't get in.

I say all of this not for sympathy or pity but to explain.  My world is tinted by my experiences both good and bad.  By the people I have met and the worlds I have lived in.  My life is made up entirely of those experiences and they are the prescription I see the world through.  I was raised to be a strong independent women who would never let a man control or abuse her.  But at the same time was often ignored or completely forgotten while my siblings created chaos.  I grew up with two parents so in love with one another they some times forgot about the rest of the world.  Which is beautiful and a hell of a thing to live up to for anyone.

What does all of this mean you ask?  Well that's the thing.  I'm not entirely sure.  I'm often told I should write a book about my life and my experiences.  The crazy stories from all of the places I've lived and the lessons I've learned from the experiences I've had.   The beautiful and the ugly all rolled up into one. So this is my attempt.  Told in bits and pieces over time as they become relevant to my current life.   And maybe one day they'll take the shape of a book. The complete story of a life.  Who knows?